I received a letter from the property management associations advising me to Mow, Weedeat, and Edge my lawn. Completely ridiculous. I mean, its not perfectly groomed right now (a few weeds around the edges), but certainly better than most of the summer and much shorter. I resisted the temptation of sending them the following letter:

Dear Houston Community Management Services,

I am writing to inform you that it is January.

In case you need a little more information, January qualifies as the middle of winter. In fact, today’s temperature dropped into the low 30s. It doesn’t take a horticulturist to tell you that in the middle of winter, St. Augustine, like most other varieties of grass, enters what is called a “dormant” stage. I know that you may not have education in these matters (judging by the recent letter you sent me), but dormancy means typically a plant stops growing.

Through the months of December, January, and, dare I say it, even February, we homeowners are granted a reprieve from the mowing, edging, and weed-eating that your letter suggests. Though, I must admit, the summer growing season is my favorite time of year. I particularly enjoy rushing home to mow my lawn at least once a week because I fear that if one grass is out of place it will bring the disapproval of the association and one of your famous letters. Lucky for me, Mother Nature puts the grass in a dormant stage so I can take a little break from the weekly mowing ritual in the winter. But apparently, Houston Community Association’s grass police don’t see this as a reason to take a short holiday.

If you take one step in my yard, you will notice not a single segment of grass is over ankle height (in fact, I measured sample sections of my yard to find an average grass height of 1.5 inches, which is practically a military buzz cut). Compare this to the lush summer months, where lawns in our neighborhood typically grow that height after two days of their last mowing.

As for your suggestion of edging my lawn, I believe you’ll find that there isn’t any grass making its way onto the sidewalk (though I understand some of it is getting suspiciously close!)

Over-mowing grass in the cool season can often lead to its untimely demise. And though I enjoy receiving your warm, chatty, and threatening letters about weed-eating and lawn-mowing on a regular basis, I think your friendly association would really get yourself in a tizzy if, upon the arrival of spring, my grass has all died from excessive lawn mowing.

So, rather than pay a fine, this weekend, I will be out in my hat and gloves (with my luck it will probably be snowing) mowing my dormant grass to avoid a fine.

I will also be the voice at the next community association meeting asking why our property management company is wasting the community’s money by acting as “grass police” during the long, dark winter when nothing was growing. Personally, I’d rather you spend the money sending me my pool passes on time (something that didn’t happen last summer, though I’m hoping you’ll do a little better this year).

Thank you for your diligence in making sure every homeowner gets to live the suburban dream life of a Stepford wife,

Rebecca Cutri-Kohart